♥ Friday, November 26, 2010 ♥
"Is Fighting Fair?
by Michael Webb
If your child came to you and asked if she could have a fight with
her friend down the street would you tell her "sure, just make sure
it is a fair fight"? If Iraq and Iran are fighting, do you think
it is good as long as they are "fighting fair"?
Most people would say that they should try to talk over their
differences and peacefully negotiate instead. So why do so many
people say it is ok for couples to fight as long as they have a
fair fight? That certainly sends the wrong message even though they
might be using the word "fight" in a different way. We should be
encouraging couples to negotiate instead of fight.
So, here are some points for negotiating a problem in your
relationship.
# Wait until your temper is in control. If necessary, exercise,
take a walk, work in the garden or do something that will help
relieve the tension.
# Schedule a time and a place for the "peace talks" to take place.
Make sure you have enough uninterrupted time to work through the
issue. Pick a location that is peaceful and without distractions.
Some people like to go to a restaurant or public place so they will
be forced to not yell.
# Discuss the issue at hand. Don't wait until you have five or ten
things that are upsetting you before you schedule a talk.
# The purposes of negotiations aren't to have your mate believe
just as you do, but for them to understand your beliefs and
feelings. People are different and that can be a good thing.
# Use "I" sentences to explain how you feel. For example "I feel
hurt and neglected when you spend all Sunday with your golf
buddies" instead of saying "you are a bad husband for always
playing golf and ignoring me."
# Unlike fighting, in negotiations, no side has to come out "the
winner." Both of you will win with deeper understanding and
compassion for each other.
# Sometimes it is wise to compromise but other times it can cause
resentment. Don't ask your sweetheart to give up golf just because
he isn't spending enough time with you. Cut back, yes. Give up, no.
# If you find it helpful, write out your peace treaty and sign it."
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